**I'm turning back to writing as a release and way of dealing with feelings I'm having. I'm not editing or rereading these...just writing.**
Days like today I am reminded of the need to live our religious life on faith not feelings. It's so easy to make our feelings into a reason to not do something...they become less of an excuse in our minds and a legitimate reason to do or not do something. I don't feel like God is there for me today. I don't feel like trusting His plan...to be honest...today...I think His plan is bullshit. I think it sucks. Today can easily turn in to tomorrow, to next week, or to 6 months from now. Maybe in 6 months I'll still feel like the plan...the path I'm on...is bullshit. But that's living based on how I feel.
Faith is something different, isn't it. Faith is trusting that no matter how I feel, the plan is good. At least by some measure of the word "good"...even if to me even writing that hurts my heart and breaks it into a million pieces. After all, how could it be "good"? For a child to die...no matter how young or inconsequential it may seem to others...a fetus, a grouping of cells, a nothing. My child wasn't nothing. My child was perfect...innocent...very much loved and wanted. Both of my children were. Yet now when people look at our family they see a family of 4...but I see a family of 6 that has been separated. A family torn apart, splintered by death. Parents quietly grieving half of their children. Living children who won't, for years maybe, understand the other 1/2 of them that is missing. Living children who still need love, safety, affirmation, and attention.
If I smile while I cry they don't see the pain. If I smile while I cry, they don't ask questions. If I smile while I cry I can grieve in the open without my living children seeing how much I am hurting on the inside. At least for a while.
Faith, like my heart...like my family...has been shattered for me. I feel like I'm falling through the rabbit hole...grasping for anything to keep myself righted...yet finding nothing but blackness and emptiness around me. I'm just falling. Some days I fall slower than others, but I don't feel it stopping yet. I don't know if it ever will. I hope someday my faith will keep me upright, make the fall slower, or give me a way to not be afraid in the dark. But that is just wishful thinking today...hope for tomorrow.