Tuesday, January 7

Faith and Falling

**I'm turning back to writing as a release and way of dealing with feelings I'm having.  I'm not editing or rereading these...just writing.**

Days like today I am reminded of the need to live our religious life on faith not feelings.  It's so easy to make our feelings into a reason to not do something...they become less of an excuse in our minds and a legitimate reason to do or not do something.  I don't feel like God is there for me today.  I don't feel like trusting His plan...to be honest...today...I think His plan is bullshit.  I think it sucks.  Today can easily turn in to tomorrow, to next week, or to 6 months from now.  Maybe in 6 months I'll still feel like the plan...the path I'm on...is bullshit.  But that's living based on how I feel.

Faith is something different, isn't it.  Faith is trusting that no matter how I feel, the plan is good.  At least by some measure of the word "good"...even if to me even writing that hurts my heart and breaks it into a million pieces.  After all, how could it be "good"?  For a child to die...no matter how young or inconsequential it may seem to others...a fetus, a grouping of cells, a nothing.  My child wasn't nothing.  My child was perfect...innocent...very much loved and wanted.  Both of my children were.  Yet now when people look at our family they see a family of 4...but I see a family of 6 that has been separated.  A family torn apart, splintered by death.  Parents quietly grieving half of their children.  Living children who won't, for years maybe, understand the other 1/2 of them that is missing.  Living children who still need love, safety, affirmation, and attention.

If I smile while I cry they don't see the pain.  If I smile while I cry, they don't ask questions.  If I smile while I cry I can grieve in the open without my living children seeing how much I am hurting on the inside.  At least for a while.

Faith, like my heart...like my family...has been shattered for me.  I feel like I'm falling through the rabbit hole...grasping for anything to keep myself righted...yet finding nothing but blackness and emptiness around me.  I'm just falling.  Some days I fall slower than others, but I don't feel it stopping yet.  I don't know if it ever will.  I hope someday my faith will keep me upright, make the fall slower, or give me a way to not be afraid in the dark.  But that is just wishful thinking today...hope for tomorrow.

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