Parenting is a Marathon, not a Series of Sprints

I haven't written in quite some time.  Today, I just wanted to take a chance to sit down and pour out some things I've been thinking about (and need to remember in the future).

It's so much easier to "run" life like a sprint.

Going from one new idea to another, well, that compliments my ADD perfectly!  Looking at something and saying, "that would be great right now"...that's how I operate, but it's not always best.  Some of my "sprint" ideas turn out pretty well...for instance I decided to do the Bible in 90 Days program...while it is definitely taking me longer than 90 days I did just go for it and I've done much better than I normally do with reading plans like this!

However, sprinting encourages me to be nearsighted and not to pay attention to what the real finish line looks like.  Most recently this has been with regards to parenting.

***For the record, if I describe a way you are parenting as something that doesn't work for my "marathon" intentions, please don't think I dislike what you are doing.  Not every situation or choice is good for all kids or all families.  I have to do what is best for MY kids and MY family.  No judgement toward your decisions is implied.***

Parenting is far more difficult than you can ever fathom before you become a parent...at least that's been my experience.  It's not that it's tough changing diapers, making sure they get fed, playing with your kids, etc.   (well, sometimes it is).  But being responsible for them...well that's the toughie for me!  Not just responsible that they are still breathing at the end of the day, keep all their teeth, and don't break too many bones...but responsible for the kind of adult they turn out to be.  Responsible for whether or not they turn out to be responsible, productive citizens.  Yikes!  That's enough to make me want to run in the other direction most days.

Lots of things come up that sound like great experiences or opportunities...
YMCA youth soccer starts at age 3...Carter will be 3 in August.
Preschool starts at age 4 and can be done 1/2 days every day, two days a week, at home, or not at all.
Language immersion schools, charter schools, moving to better public school districts, homeschooling, unschooling...
Is your head spinning like mine?  It's so easy for me to think about the benefits these can offer to my child(ren).

Wow...they could be potty trained already!  Yep I know a lady who's potty training an 11 month old yet my 1 and 2 year olds are no where near that.

They could be fluent in two languages...awesome!  Sign me up!

They could get to run after a ball with no clue they are actually playing a game let alone a sport...sounds so cute and fun!

They should know all their letters before they start school, be able to read chapter books by 1st grade, AND know how to tie their shoes!  Why don't we start them younger than 4! Wait...isn't that the point of kindergarten?

How many science projects should my child do in kindergarten?  Did I even DO science in kindergarten?!?!?

These are all thoughts that have swirled around in my head over the last few months.  It's overwhelming, to say the least.  But to put it all in perspective I have to remember that my children's lives aren't about ANY of this!  It's not about who can sing their ABC's first, read the youngest, speak the most languages, or be a soccer star at 4.  It's about the end result...the adults they grow up to be.  It's about being conscious of the character traits I'm instilling in them now, the ones I will continue to work on as they understand more, and the entirety of their raising.  That's what matters.  Not how many new toys they have, clubs they join, or sports they play now.  Not how many classic novels they read before 3rd grade.

The marathon takes more training, more patience, more stamina.  It takes all of my heart, brain, and so much grace from God.  It takes me putting aside what I *think* my kids should be doing right now...because that's usually based on what others are telling me they should do or what I see other kids doing.  I need to focus on what they *need* in the long term.  My kids, in my opinion, need to see their parents in love, to see their parents worshiping God and studying His word, to learn what God wants for all of us.  And they need some more practical things like to know how to handle money (and not just how to spend it like it's going out of style), to be gracious to others, to show compassion, to serve, to do basic math, to enjoy reading, and, yes, to tie their shoes (velcro seems hard to come by as an adult).

The marathon is the difficult path to choose.  The marathon requires patience--something many are in short supply of, including myself.  The marathon requires commitment and taking time to see where the finish line really is and then to try to figure out the best way to move toward it.  The sprint isn't easy, by any means, but it's over quickly.  And then on to another, and another, and another.  The marathon isn't short bursts of the next-best-thing, it's a prolonged sense of what is truly important.

And...this is important...it seems to be slightly different for each and every child and family.  Your marathon will look different than mine.  Henry's might look different than Carter's.  But it's still important to try and figure out what it looks like and then, the hard part, how to learn to be content with the path you've chosen.

Milestones and Memories :)

Yesterday my little monkey turned 2!  It was amazing to think back on the last few years and what a whirlwind they have truly been.  To see how much Carter has changed from the tiny NICU baby to the big boy he is now and especially with all of the things he has started doing in the last few weeks.

In the last few weeks he has grown 2 shoe sizes, started climbing (on everything), discovered that he can swing on the shopping cart handles, and has discovered what seems like an ENTIRELY new vocabulary...it's amazing!  We've gone through our share of struggles over the last two years and it was odd to think back over them.  My mind kept returning to different issues throughout the day as we celebrated.  Also, I kept looking back over the journey I have been on in my relationship with God over the last few years.

God has brought me WAY out of what I felt my comfort zone was.  Being raised in an environment where divorce was something that was common, men were absentee in their kids lives, and *knowing* that I never wanted to stay home with kids.  From that God brought me to a wonderful husband who I trust completely, feeling now as if divorce shouldn't be an option except in the worst of situations, a wonderful husband who is an amazingly loving and present father to our children, and loving every minute of being able to spend every day with my beautiful boys!  It's so amazing.  And the work that God has been doing in me and my husband's hearts just in the last year has left us both feeling a bit raw yet renewed at the same time!  Our priorities and values have shifted somewhere over the last four years and we both now feel like we are truly giving ourselves to God to use as He sees fit.  I have to say that while so many people think Christianity is restrictive and full of rules, we have seen the opposite in our lives--truly feeling freedom!  It's funny to look back at the things that were important and now see them as trivial.  To be in a situation that you've been in before and have a completely different outlook and reaction.  God has been so faithful to my prayers for peace and in giving me the knowledge that we are headed in the right direction.

This peace has so seamlessly transferred into parenting that it shocks me sometimes.  When I go out with the boys I get a lot of stares and comments about how full my hands must be, but what I think (and rarely say) is how there is no way I could accomplish this on my own.  But through God's strength I can lead these little boys in the right path for them.  It may not look like what other people do or what other people think is important.  But I know that it is right and it gives me so much confidence as a mother!  Not to say that there aren't struggles or times (almost daily) when I doubt my decisions.  But when I offer those feelings up to God, He is always faithful to give me strength to know that I am doing His will and He is walking in it with me.

It's funny because watching my son on his birthday...the joy on his face when he opened his present (yes one).  It was like looking in a mirror at the joy I now feel with the gift that God has given me.  I am so thankful to be one of His children.  To know His love, kindness, faithfulness, and grace!  With all the changes Carter has made in the last two years, I'm reminded still of the changes I've made in the last two years (or rather the changes God has made in my heart) and I feel that same sense of joy.  I so look forward to seeing what changes will come in the next year in Carter.  I look forward to seeing how much he grows and, deep down, I also look forward to seeing how God will chose to shape and mold me in the coming year and how He will step up to help me through the coming changes :)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONKEY!  You are such a blessing in my life and I am so excited to see what you'll do in the coming months and years :)  I love you with all my heart and I hope you can always see that.

Laying Open my Heart: One of Many Struggles

They say that "ignorance is bliss".  Now I don't know who "they" are, but I feel like I do understand that sentiment, especially when I learn something new that I want to pursue but there are a million roadblocks in my way.  In general this is how I feel about eating well.  I don't mean dieting or eating low-fat, but really nourishing my family with good foods that aren't processed or contaminated.  This issue may not apply to a lot of people because you either don't care, don't believe it, or don't have a problem implementing it.  But this weighs on my mind weekly if not daily.  I want to feed my family the best possible food I can.  I want my boys to be healthy and strong and smart.  Heck, I want to be healthy and strong and smart.  But sometimes my goals and plans don't line up with where I am in life right now.  I'm definitely not healthy or strong...I can agree with some that I'm kinda smart (but I'm no genius by any means).  Being a parent has really changed my feelings about nutrition. We know more now than we did when I was growing up and my kids generation will know even more...it's just the way we, as humans, are...we crave to know more, to dig deeper, and to understand.

For me, I really feel that eating a whole foods diet is healthy (I think few would compete with that statement).  I believe that eating organic is important in most aspects, that making your own things like bread is important (because of limiting chemicals and preservatives), and I think raw milk is great!  Unfortunately, I'm not a millionaire--I know you're shocked, but it's true.  I don't have unlimited funds available to buy meat straight from my local farmer or raw milk up the road...and even if I did, well do you know how expensive that can be?  And therein lies my dilemma...the one I struggle with.  Knowing what is most important RIGHT NOW, in the place God has me NOW, and knowing what it is that God has charged me with.  

That probably sounds weird, let me try to explain.  I feel passionately about feeding my family the best food possible, but what I don't feel passionately about is going broke doing it.  It would make me a poor steward of my families resources to ignore the balance in our bank account and spend all of our money on better food.  You might think I'm being extreme about how much it would cost or underestimating the importance of good food on our nutrition, but the honest lay-it-all-out-there-for-the-world-to-see truth is that our budget for food every month is slightly less than it would be on food stamps...I have a grand total of $320 to spend on food, toiletries, household products, dog food, and all 4 members of our family.  It's tough, it's a stretch, and that number actually includes a generous increase that I finagled when we decided Carter needed to eat gluten free (not a cheap option)--before two weeks ago our monthly budget was only $220. Its frustrating!

This amount of money can only be stretched so far.  We don't always do a good job of sticking to our budget, but we definitely feel it elsewhere if we don't.  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has called me--as a stay-at-home wife and mother--to do everything possible to keep us on track.  It is my responsibility to ensure that we have enough food in the house to feed us all as well as finding unique ways to make up for any shortfalls.  If I don't do this, then I am not only disappointing my family, but I know I am disappointing my Heavenly Father.  This is what he has called me to...it's not always fun, it's very often frustrating, and I don't know how I make it sometimes.  Coveting others grocery budgets is something I have to keep in check quite often.

I don't talk to many about how much I spend on groceries and I do my best to make sure that we still get to use a good portion of that for ministry opportunities (inviting people over to our house to share a meal, taking someone food when they're sick, eating out occasionally in fellowship with our church family, etc.).  Ministry is very important to us and I joke that my spiritual gift is cooking :).  God has demanded us to be open to these opportunities to fellowship with others--believers and unbelievers alike.  It is important to us and a calling from God.  So that brings another aspect of my struggle to light.

How do I justify spending my small budget on others?
God has asked me to.  Can I really say no?  I guess I could, I could say to myself and others that we just don't have the money or it's more important to feed my family, but then I would be saying to God that he doesn't provide for us adequately and that is absolutely un-biblical!  God tells us in the Bible that He always provides for our needs.  If I say that I can't do something because of my own folly or poor stewardship that is one thing, but to claim that I "can't" because I don't have enough?  That is claiming that God is not who He said He was.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

2 Corinthians 9:8

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

So that is where I stand, or usually kneel.  Dealing with my own frustrations and sinful thoughts, relying on God to reveal a better path for me.  I am so thankful for his grace and compassion.  I am also thankful for a wonderfully understanding and hard-working husband.  But this is my struggle...not the only one, but one that is prominent and I frequently have to return to God for strength in going on.  I can't let myself become mired down by what I *think* I should be doing, but to find strength that God can help me through it.

I hope that all who reading this will understand that it has been difficult to reveal this personal aspect of my life and will take that to heart before commenting.  I know that I am doing the Lord's work and I would be more than happy to have a more intimate conversation about this with you so feel free to email or (if you have my number) to call :)
I hope that in sharing these intimate struggles and thought, I can encourage other women--especially Christians--to step up and be willing to be more transparent with one another.  I don't think anyone has it ALL together and I certainly don't think we're meant to seem we do.  While it's important for us to seek joy and understanding in our situations, this doesn't always have be done in private or alone.  Please reach out to those around you and if someone comes to YOU with something weighing on their heart...please try and be Christ-like in your response.  God Bless!

The Llama Mama Speaks

My son's favorite book is Llama, Llama Red Pajama.  We read it every...single...day.  Sometimes more than once.  He loves the whole book (except the page that suggests that the mama llama might be gone, so we skip that one).  It really amazes me sometimes how much our everyday circumstances can be impacted by something to trivial as a children's book.  It amazes me that God can speak into our lives comforting words through simple writing and illustration...it doesn't have to be something intricate and complex for us to learn a lesson.  That blows my mind!

Anyway, this book has become the inspiration for my blog.  My favorite part of the book is near the end. The mama llama comes back to baby llama's room and says, "Baby llama don't you know, mama llama loves you so.  Mama llama's always near, even if she's not right here."  Wow.

Does that speak to anyone else?  It amazes me in two ways.  1) How shockingly accurate that thought represents how I feel about my own children and 2) how amazing it is that that is how God feels about us as well!  It's such a great feeling :).  This passage also reminds me to be patient.  God is always near, seeking to give me the desires of my heart, but in his own time.  I suppose one day I will have to thank my son for his immense love of this book and explain all the wonderful ways he has blessed my life!